birdsong

by Wilkes

Now that I’m gainfully unemployed, I wake up at around 6 to “work on my novel” and keep at it until my stomach starts to hurt from caffeine and self-hatred (which usually kicks in at around 5). You’d think I’d be getting something accomplished in that 11-hour window but that’s where you’d be wrong.

I can’t force myself to come up with anything good to write about; all I can do is force myself to sit here at my computer  hour after hour, so I spend a lot of time procrastinating on the world wide webiverse. Sometimes I go out for walks, but mostly I don’t do that anymore because every time I go outside something freaks me out.

For example, yesterday I passed a McDonalds’s and in the window was a cardboard cut-out of Ronald McDonald and he was staring at me with those chilling, beady eyes of his and I literally got a little scared so holy shit I just can’t do it anymore, man.

I’m going to die a shut-in and a fat shut-in at that (Mama, wake up!) which is fine as long as I have the internet to keep me warm and to tell me (through photos of adorable kittens) how much it loves me.  So my theme for this Grab Bag is THE WEIRD SHIT I GOOGLE WHEN I’M PROCRASTINATING.

1. “Gelukkige Verjaardag!”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Dutch is a useless language. I picked up a little when I was living in Amsterdam but not a lot because everyone also speaks English–they have to, there are about 20 words in Dutch and English makes up for the lexical gaps.

The only person I knew who didn’t speak English was one of my bosses.  He also insisted on calling me “Black Lola” (HELLO!- Mike Myers) after some comic strip or cartoon character and I couldn’t explain to him why that wasn’t the awesomest. But come to think of it, a Dutch co-worker did tell him it wasn’t cool and he kept right on calling me that anyway, so my original point still stands: Dutch is a useless language.

One of the phrases I did pick up is the Dutch for Happy Birthday and I wanted to include it in the chapter I’m writing now, but while I know how to say it (Dutch sounds a lot like English, the phrase above sounds kind of like “Good Luck With Your Day,”) I definitely didn’t know how to spell that eye-fuck of a vowel orgy.

2. “Frowning Troll”, “Fake Scary Baby”, “Mogwai”

I know this guy who is REALLY cute now but is using a REALLY ugly picture of himself as newborn on facebook, so I googled the search phrases above in hopes of getting my comedic juices flowing for a good FB comment.

I came up with, “oh looks like someone fed you after midnight,” but I decided that was just a hair too mean and instead of posting it I just “liked” his picture like a twerp.

Anyway, this google search led me to unearth an image of Ron Mueck’s frightening, “A Girl.”  Sweet fucking hell newborns are awful looking aren’t they?  Plus, you shit yrself when you’re pushing them out of a vaginal canal that will ultimately be left with about as much elasticity as an old rubber band, so someone please remind me, why the fuck do I want to have kids again? [punches ovaries]

3. “James Franco”,  “Is April 19 under Taurus or Aries?”, “Aries/Cancer compatibility”

So, in my warped mind, that’s what’s keeping us apart is it?  The fact that Aries and Cancer are incompatible horoscope signs?  GET SOME FUCKING HELP, WILKINSON.

4. “Unisex toilet”, “Ambien sex*”

What?  WHAT? What the fuck am I planning?!?!   I’m sure there’s some logical explanation for this but even  I don’t know what it was.

Anyway, GRAB BAG OVAH.

Doie, bitches! Until next time.

*It makes me really sad that I had to learn about this from Tiger Woods.